Love Yourself...

I thought he could love me, I thought there was love, I thought I was loved, but what a fool I was....

Hi. Can I just have a Diet Coke and a Cranberry Juice...

I met up with a classmate at The Little Rock, in Encino. Prior to arriving I'm thinking and talking to myself about drinking alcohol. I've given up drinking and since then I haven't gone out so there really hasn't been a test to see if I can refuse. So I'm thinking to myself, "How am I going to tell this person that I don't drink?" I get to the location and we directly go to the bar, so you can only imagine how many times that question was being played in my head. Then the moment came, "What do you want to drink?" he asked. I ask, "What are you getting?" We went at this a couple of more times and he then says, "I'm ordering a Diet Coke." "What? You don't drink," I said. "No. I've been sober for a while now," he said. With a smile on my face I said, "I'll have a cranberry juice."

Forever young. I want to be, forever young...

I fear getting old. That's all that needs to be said (for now that is)....

Sasha in Wonderland...

Scene 1: The past days have been quite an experience. Staying at work until 3:00a.m. on Thursday was full of laughter. We had to have a display board showing how we implement certain activities into our program. Between decisions, agreements, disagreements, me choosing the right music, Wayne dancing, Esau drawing a wall, and me being a perfectionist, it all just felt like a hallucination. Wayne and Esau kept feeding off of each other while I was trying to work. One would start cracking a joke and the other just kept adding to it. Esau was catching everything that Wayne was doing especially when he dosed off while I was asking him a question. Wayne had a major gas problem that night which almost left us in a coma. When we finished, Wayne and I took Esau home and then headed to Western Bagel. We ate and chilled in the parking lot (As if it wasn't late enough). When I was driving home I could see the sunrise and at that point I was complaining to myself because I would have to wake up in a couple of hours to perform a skit with the guys and show our board.

Scene 2: I'm late! I'm late! I'm late for an important date. No time to say hello! Goodbye! I'm late, I'm late, I'm late! The meeting starts at 2:00p.m. It's 1:15p.m. and Wayne tells me to pick him up because he found out that his car has a leak and we also have to get Esau because he doesn't have a car. I arrive at 1:45p.m. and wait for Wayne to get out of the house. He's taking his sweet time so I decide to turn off the car, but what do you know the key won't turn so now I can't turn off the car. It's 1:55p.m. as I'm turning onto Esau's street. He gets in and we're good to go. The time is now 2:30p.m. and we have finally made it. At this point there is a whole bunch of drama happening with my car, but I won't get into detail. We did our presentation and it was grrrrreat.

Scene 3: We're leaving the parking lot and I convince Wayne to take out my skateboard to show some kids a couple of tricks. We then leave ,while doing some pit stops in between, and begin to head towards Easu's house. I take off Esau's sticker name tag and tell him to stick it onto a car. We're a few blocks away from his house and I slow down next to a red truck which he chose. He suddenly becomes Stretch Armstrong and slaps the sticker onto the car while at the same time a man yells out "HEY!" Esau ducks in his seat and begins to shout "GO! GO! GO!" My car takes a while to gain speed because it was in 2nd gear and I should have put it in 1st. The guy got in his car and I began making lefts and rights, while at the same time breaking the law because I wasn't stopping at the stop signs. We managed to make it to Esau's house and dropped him off (I wish he would have done the tuck and roll). We then arrive at Wayne's house where he grabs what energy he has left and goes inside. I drive off thinking, next stop....home....

Mr. Jinxy Raccoon...

He used to know my schedule. I would arrive home and he would be waiting for me. My schedule now fluctuates and I hardly see him. We pass by each other in the morning as I head out the door to go to school. After that I go to work and basically stay there after work hours. I come home hoping to see him, but another day goes by and no Mr. Jinxy to be found. When I see him I instantly smile. When he rubs his face against mine his purr gets louder. I really care for this creature that I've had for three years and I feel horrible for the neglect. He does more for me than I'll ever do for him....

Out came the sun and dried up all the rain...

The sun and I have been acquaintances for a while, but now he is my friend. He is a natural at everything he does. His rays reach me and brighten up my day. When he touches my car we shine amongst them all. At times he may let a cloud or two come between us, but it's okay because it gives me time to miss him. A certain weather condition will get in the way, but I know he is there never giving up. Seeing him give me the best he has each day, influences me to do the same. He warms me up like a sweater on a cold day. This sun that I call my own is my friend Who All Yearn Nearly Everyday....

Free shipping and handling...

If only homeless people knew where to get a good night sleep. By the way Leeds, "You will be beat!"

Two things that tie in because they are both gone...Folly and Angel...

Folly announced their separation and I will perpetually hate myself... Folly is a Hardcore/Ska band from New Jersey who hardly came to California (due to expenses). They did a tour not too long ago and made a stop in lovely Los Angeles. I was excited to see the band put their energy on stage and their screams into the microphone. Finally the day came and I didn't go! I wasn't feeling well and as much as my companion insisted on me going, it didn't change my mind. I'm glad he still went and got to enjoy himself, but I must admit I got jealous. He has seen Folly perform various times and even met them, but this time he chilled and had a great conversation with them. He came to my house later that night and we talked, or shall I say he spoke while I listened. All I could think about is how I regretted not going and telling myself that I would see them next time. Well so much for that because Folly is gone. So right about now you're probably wondering how does Angel work his way into this story. Angel introduced me to Folly, actually Angel opened my eyes to every hardcore band I listen to. We share a common ground with music in our lives, but I would say he is one percent ahead of me and I know he would say I am one ahead of him. The way we describe music is surreal to others. We step into the car and whoever is the passenger becomes the disk jockey. A complaint will never be uttered to the DJ for their music selection. We sing at the top of our lungs while throwing in some gestures especially when a car is right by our side. Going to a show with Angel will forever be the greatest time of my life. Participation is a key factor when our band is on stage, we scream along, and most importantly push and shove to stay in the front. The drive home starts with some music, but eventually gets paused so we can discuss our experience. Normally I am the one in disbelief by the amazing performance (also by how much our shirts are drenched in sweat). A couple of minutes will go by and we begin to feel empty without the loud music, so once again we mix it up. When The Cure or HORSE the Band is on the playlist, it's more than singing, it's communication for us, it's us secretly expressing feelings to each other. When I am at home watching Angel strum the guitar I can't help but to stare with admiration. It's a wonderful sound when I hear him play a tune, especially when he plays "my song" with so much passion that it makes me cry (it seriously does). We've gone through our years and much like Folly, Angel and I separated. I often ask myself if he knows that he is my music....

He uses okay instead of ok...

I read into words more than I should, so when a person sends me a text with incorrect grammar I am quick to start the spell check. There is this guy in particular who captures me by using okay instead of ok. I was having a conversation with him and I began expressing how great it was to see someone using it properly. "It's because of Sex and the City," he said. When he was young he would want to lay in bed with his mother as she watched Sex and the City. At times she wouldn't let him stay in the bedroom due to the sexual content, but soon another day would approach and this time he was able to watch. In this particular episode Carrie received a message from a guy she was dating. In the message he wrote the word okay (spelled exactly the way I have it) and when she saw it written that way instead of ok, it made her feel content. When the episode was over, he walked away from the bedroom learning something from the show, he understood the importance of writing out the word.....Who am I kidding he understood that spelling it "okay" can easily arouse a journalist....

Looking for a PS...

He displays a fresh clothing style that many question and ridicule. Wearing a piece of his personality on his shoes he dances without a care. As his vibrant smile grows it becomes contagious. A young cat full of ambition, but not sure on his direction. He refuses to give up, as he strives to prove to all who underestimate him. He is quick to make sure he can help me be successful regardless of the heavy weight he already carries (which many people will never know). His commitment has me shouting words to express my admiration. Just remember, "If you are what you say you are, a superstar, then have no fear...."

Bed facing the door...

I felt that I needed more space in my room (so I wouldn't go insane) and decided to rearranged it. I enjoy the space I have created, but at night it's a different story. As I am asleep my body feels that something is wrong and wakes me. When my eyes open I am so frightened because I don't know where I am, nothing in this room is recognizable. I get off my bed (at this point I am wide awake) and walk towards the bathroom, but everything looks as though it is passing me by at rapid speed. I do what needs to be done in the bathroom and head back to my room to return to the wonders my mind creates while I am asleep. This doesn't only happen once during the night, try three or sometimes four times. It might be that I need to get use to the layout (considering that it has only been two days) or maybe it's the cultural belief of people being ushered into rooms head-first when living and feet-first when dead....

Approach with caution...

Subliminal messages are what I process and random is what I have called it. My mind will flash an image and instantly I give a reaction. Words and pictures are stored between my brain and skull. (It's impossible you say, but I can already imagine it.) Every so often a thought or display will seep through and catch a ride with a neuron. Once this occurs, my brain (who is not concerned with what I am doing during the moment) begins to repeatedly shout what it has received. If ignored it becomes a movie, think of it this way.... my brain is the film, my eyes are the projector, and everything that I once saw gets covered by a screen. I announce that a movie is being displayed by having a beam on my face, considering that the clip is hilarious. Inside, there are multiple loud laughs that consume my hearing. My smile can no longer stay its size causing it to open wide and chortle. People who surround me when this occurs often laugh, call me names, or just brush it off by saying, " It's Sasha." I'm not writing this to be understood or for someone to relate, it's simply because it's in my head and it needs to get out of there....

I will make this, my path...

Go this way, turn here, go back, it was supposed to be a left, now we're lost! The person has the directions and all of a sudden they know the right way to life. You let the other person guide you and the next thing you notice, they eventually want to change you. They will become the shadow you create with the use of a street light. They puncture your skin to live off you the way a tick swigs blood to stay alive. Let me..... stay out and get a sunburn, feel the breeze even though I forgot my sweater, drive without a direction, drink as much as I want, just let me enjoy what I call, my life....